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i was 19-23.
it’s sometimes difficult to realize situations of ab*se/a**ault when you’re in a committed relationship with them.
it’s sometimes difficult to realize situations of ab*se/a**ault when you’re in a committed relationship with them.
circling back to this because i’ve been unpacking this for a while. like ... a while. it’s really easy to overlook and tolerate certain behaviors when you’re romantically involved. and can “see them for who they can potentially be”. but that definitely doesn’t negate —
that my experiences are valid and happened. i’m all for reform and accountability IF and only IF the abuser is willingly and actively taking steps to change their behaviors and seek help.
to my knowledge, my ex is in a relationship with someone else and i am just really hoping and praying he took the time to work through his traumas and acknowledge the person he was to me so that he doesn’t inflict any pain onto his new partner.
we haven’t been in contact for about 3(?) years now. and it’s taken a lot of time, crying and therapy to really understand what i experienced. there was a lot of gaslighting, manipulation, some coercion and emotional abuse.
i never thought i would be in a position where i felt like i was begging someone to love me/treat me like i’m supposed to be loved/treated. i spent a LOT of time being angry and resentful. not just towards him but also towards myself.
“how could i have let this happen for so long”. “why did i allow him to do/say this” the red flags were absolutely present but i ignored them because i *thought* this was the love of my life and that i had the ability to inflict change in him.
not to say i can’t be influential and spark change in others. but i thought i* could *make* him change. mfs not gone change unless THEY are willing and actually want to. i thought maybe if i held on a little longer it would be better.
and it’s very telling that when he decided to break up with me, he acknowledged that he was trying to basically make me into what he wanted me to be according to his standards instead of actually just accepting me for who i am and just meeting me where i’m at.
towards the end of our relationship was when i was experiencing a lot of traumatic changes in my life not directly relating to him. i had just been informed my mom was diagnosed with blood cancer (but she’s 2 years in remission now)
i had just switched positions at my job during the busiest season of the year and i had to completely alter my life to be a caretaker. i got into two bad car accidents back to back and then i decided that i was going to f i n a l l y -
start going to therapy. he *appeared* to be supportive at first but as time went on, i could tell this “wasn’t what he signed up for” (which is also what he told me) and that he was overwhelmed with it all.
he told me he was basically faking it and “trying to make it work” because i was in such a vulnerable state but being a witch, i could feel that he wasn’t being genuine and he was just trying to keep up appearances.
he couldn’t even face me and break up with me in person. to me, that’s pretty cowardly. i spent most of our relationship feeling like i was crazy and not even in complete control of my body. i thought* that that was what i was supposed to do.
after doing a lot of unpacking, i came to the realization that i never fully felt like i was accepted or could be myself with him. i always had to be *on* so he would feel better about himself. it’s also very draining being with someone -
that you can feel is beginning to resent you based on their own insecurities and seeing you be able to succeed in things they wished they could. i definitely lost myself in our relationship because i aligned my identity with it.
i was 19 when we got together and he was 21.
now that i’m free, i finally feel like i know who i am now and i have reclaimed my body on my sex posi journey. i always felt i had to perform for him and nothing was ever good enough. he made me feel extremely small on a multitude of occasions—
inside and outside the bedroom. i never felt pretty/sexy/wild enough. it’s also *very* terrible to send photos to your partner of women you feel are attractive/how you want them to be/look like 
i wasn’t planning on coming on here and being vocal about this because i’m a pretty private person when it comes to my relationships. and it’s also my birthday. i wasn’t trying to cry on my birthday but i felt compelled to share.
i don’t wish ill on him. i hope he’s taken the steps to be better and is a much better partner to his current person than he was to me. i can’t hold on to that anger/hurt anymore.
anyway y’all. be safe. believe your friends. allow people grace. allow people to exhibit change. if mfs are accusing you of lying then beat their ass. and if mfs are holding themselves accountable, let them do that shit.
seacrest, out.
