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How we prepared for having the Why-You-Should-Care-About-Other-People talk with family: a thread
Step 1: absolutely have a strategy in place, or you're going to end up unearthing several years of family strife and it's going to be an even bigger mess. family dynamics are super tangled, so pick a single area to focus on and keep the conversation on track.
pick an angle for how you want to approach this that connects with them. for many people, talking about this is as abstract a debate as tabs vs spaces, so figure out where the emotional hook is.
two that we used:
- the values that you raised me are inconsistent with the ones you're demonstrating, and that makes me respect you less, and causes me to pull away from you
- the values that you raised me are inconsistent with the ones you're demonstrating, and that makes me respect you less, and causes me to pull away from you
- as parents we want to prepare our child for growing up in a world that has systemic racism and inequality and we need people who are in his life to be on board with the lessons that we'll be teaching him
(and if you can't do that, we would want to limit your role in his life)
(and if you can't do that, we would want to limit your role in his life)
the common theme here is: your behavior has an impact on me, which will lead to these consequences. our goal during conversation 1 is to state that position, describe the behaviors they're doing, and express the impact.
we did have stats, links, sources ready, but they are supporting materials. you can't bludgeon someone into caring with facts if they're defensive and not ready to listen.
it's very likely that the conversation will get emotional and heated. we got a LOT of deflections:
- all lives matter
- have _I_ ever been racist to you?
- you're making me feel bad for being white
- i have family who are cops
- what about the rioting and looting?
- all lives matter
- have _I_ ever been racist to you?
- you're making me feel bad for being white
- i have family who are cops
- what about the rioting and looting?
be careful not to let the deflections detract against the main points you agreed on earlier. it's really hard, especially if you get emotional or upset, but the closer you stick to the thesis of your argument, the more focused your argument will be.
"i understand you're upset about this, but what you're saying is a harmful and even dangerous message to give to my son, and if you're uninterested in even hearing me out about why, then it makes me think you're more worried about your own feelings than his safety"
"you taught me the importance of treating people with respect, but when you retort 'all lives matter' instead of hearing out their concerns, it doesn't feel like you're living by those values and it makes me like you don't care about what is important to me
the personal bond you have is how you can make this connect to them, if you retreat from that to statistics and video links, you avoid forming that bridge. AFTER you get to a point where they're ready to listen and learn, then it is the time for sharing reading material.
if you formed your thesis correctly, the conversation then is about their feelings of discomfort vs larger needs. their feelings won't resolve the situation, only a change in behavior will. that's how you avoid a derail into centering their hurt feelings and their fragility.
we were prepared to end the call if the topic got derailed and we couldn't bring it back on track.
"i think everyone is too emotional to discuss this right now, lets try again next week"
(full disclosure, i absolutely lost my temper at one point but we got it back on course)
"i think everyone is too emotional to discuss this right now, lets try again next week"
(full disclosure, i absolutely lost my temper at one point but we got it back on course)
part of our pregaming was also about preparing ourselves for the fallout if the call didn't go well. how do we respond to family pressure to smooth things over? were we mentally prepared to deal with this on multiple fronts?
this is why having that foundational thesis is so important. a well structured one is neutral to "taking sides" and follows the Situation-Behavior-Impact model. it would be the same message on all fronts.
the hardest part to deal with is that you can't make someone change, no matter how much you want them to (thank you to years of therapy for getting that through my skull)
the only thing you can do is to let them know the impact of their actions, and let them choose to change
the only thing you can do is to let them know the impact of their actions, and let them choose to change
you might spend a lot of time only to find out that they're more strongly attached to their point of view than they are to earning your respect, or having access to a grandchild. that's incredibly painful but also more honest than avoiding the topic and keeping your distance.
our conversation was EXHAUSTING, and took over 2 hours. (make sure to carbo load beforehand!) and in the end, we did actually get to a place where they apologized (!!!) for their behavior and recognized why their actions were hurtful and harmful.
by getting that recognition, our relationships were actually stronger after having the talk, as hard as it was.
the key win was that they were now ready to actually learn and absorb the information from the links we send, instead of it stirring up resentment and frustration.
as a final caveat, this approach works better the closer you are to someone. for distant cousins and friend of friends, i would lean in favor of following @CAwkward's great guide here: https://captainawkward.com/2020/06/05/1272-white-family-facebook-drama-over-police-racism/
