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So, I want to comment on this Myke Cole situation. I'd like to diagram why his current apology is....troubling *at best*. My personal take is at the end, and it is not positive.
So, in the current thread Cole apologizes for 'making women uncomfortable' and for being 'inappropriate'. Picture what that might mean, just for a second, in your mind's eye.
When I hear those words, I think 'asked a woman for coffee a second time, after she already said no' or maybe 'stared a second too long at someone's chest'. You know what it would NOT mean? Told a woman he wanted to piss on her.
That's the current example and it's....extreme. It's clear sexual harassment. (Saying that isn't anti-kink. Kink must be practiced ethically. It's why kink community's developed standards like SSC and RACK. Anyway.)
So, already Cole's downplaying his behavior here. He's not a serial abuser, he's just been inappropriate. Which, if this was his first go round apology, might be OK. We could say 'he didn't know any better'. But he does know better, or he should.
Because he was called out on this in '18. And what's he done about it? Cole says he now drinks less at cons and has gone into therapy. If drinking was the problem, the answer would be to STOP drinking, not cut back. But let's address the therapy.
Anyone who's read up on modern treatment for abusers knows that couples counseling and therapy are NOT treatment for being abusive. An abuser might benefit from therapy to address their anxiety or depression, but therapy is NOT for abuse. Abuse is treated with abuse programs.
Abuse/Batterer programs address power dynamics, self-control, misogyny. On its own, therapy can worsen abuser behavior because abusers often self-talk themselves as victims & manipulate the therapy to feel better about themselves instead of addressing the harm they're causing.
Now, it's possible to do the abuser/batterer program stuff with a counselor, alone rather than in group, or to do it in conjunction w/therapy or substance abuse stuff, sure. But if Cole was doing that, I'd expect to see him talk about his own behavior with much stronger terms.
He'd have recognized that piss comment as clear sexual harassment and abuse, he'd own up to the harm he did as being from his own internal patterns rather than blaming the drink, etc. None of that's in there.
In fact, what he's doing in the current thread is talk about himself using therapy terms/social justice terms. And it's getting him enormous feel-good 'You're a good guy, Myke!' replies. But that dynamic itself is a classic example of why couples counseling is disrecommended.
Too often the abuser manipulates it to their own advantage. Leaving the victim worse off, feeling crazy, etc. That's worse than before. Just look at those replies. All the 'This is how it's done!' and 'You're such a good guy!'
I wonder how many people saying 'You're such a good guy!' know they're giving accolades to a guy who joked about pissing on a young woman who was at a con for work purposes? I'm betting a lot didn't know. And that, my dears, is telling.
So, let's also look at why Cole apologized. Public shame drove him to action. That's a problem. A really big, enormous, flashing neon sign red flag. Why? Because public shame is RARE. *We do not want people in our community who only improve their behavior when publicly shamed.*
Victims don't wander around the commons holding 'public shame' in their back pocket. I've also seen reports that Cole only backed off when outsiders intervened. You know what? Most people willing to change their behavior would change after ONE of those instances. Maybe two.
Cole should not require his guy pals' outside intervention. Any predator who can't back off when his prey asks is unsafe with his preferred prey. The fact that Cole continues to drink, continues to go to cons, centered his own feelings in these apologies, that tells me a lot.
If Cole will not take reasonable steps (stop drinking, stop cons, get real abuser-focused help) after two years' worth of doing 'the work' tells me that Cole's idea of 'the work' ISN'T WORKING.
Maybe it's time consider something else, something besides just letting him do whatever it is he thinks is the answer.
IMO, remaining friends w/a harmful person can be an ethical choice, IF it pushes that abuser towards change, but it should include being VERY upfront with potential prey about the dangers that abuser poses.
When we're publicly friends with people, assumptions get made about safety. That's how humans work. Many abusers rely on shields, willing and otherwise. Be mindful of that.
Sometimes, staying friends w/a harmful person helps shepherd in positive change, but ime, more often it just means the abuser harms quietly in the background while using the relationship and surface changes as cover.
So. For my opinion. Me, I think this many chances blown means he's not willing to do the work to reduce harm. How many young writers have left the field because of him? How many fans? That's probably non-zero on both counts. Too many for my taste.
Look, there ARE people who can change. I've seen it happen. But they use their chances--their changes are clear. When people blow repeated chances, to me, that's a sign maybe the chances should be given to someone else. YMMV.
