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a thing i do wonder about jgy is when do you think he knew he was a backstabbing murdertwink
because it wasn't the wens and it wasn't getting expelled from the nie, it's why he was expelled in the first place
was it from the beginning? did he learn it in the brothel, where his mother taught him pride and ambition, that he deserved more, that he needed to go out and seek it
was it the first time he was kicked down the steps of carp tower, his father looking down on him from its summit, him prone at the bottom, stumbling away never knowing whether he'd be back to attempt another climb to the top
was it as he ingratiated himself with the nie, endured every whisper, made himself of service, saw the gentry inside their own halls, and understood even the kindest of masters did not suit him
was it when he came back from the cloud recesses and saw the unclean realm and its people with new, shrewder eyes. How wanting this place was, how small, how backwards and unrefined. this inching progress, it's not enough.
or
do you think it was the very moment Lan Xichen touched his hand to his, lifted him up, and met his eyes.
do you think it was the very moment Lan Xichen touched his hand to his, lifted him up, and met his eyes.
a transcendent moment of clarity. he wanted him, he wanted all of it. no substitutes, no compromises.
what it is love if it doesn't leave us bare? even if only to ourselves?
