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while i was grocery shopping i challenged myself to find a way to ship bill & ben and i think i've done it lads
high school. we're ignoring bev moving away in canon. she's just broken up with bill and he's heartbroken about it, moping in the clubhouse with emo music while ben sits in the other corner working on his homework. bill starts complaining about bev dumping him —
— in a way that kind of blames her for it—not meanly, just a bit selfishly in the way you're allowed to be when someone breaks your heart—and ben makes a disagreeing noise without meaning to. "what?" bill demands. "you think dumping me over the phone was the right move?"
"...nnnnno," ben says. "she shouldn't have done that. but bill, you have to admit that you, well, i mean, you didn't really love her. not right."
bill is furious. "of course i loved her! how would you know how i felt?"
bill is furious. "of course i loved her! how would you know how i felt?"
ben shrugs & looks determinedly down at his textbook. "i mean, you loved her, but the way you loved her was for you. it wasn't for her."
and bill's about to demand more, ask how he'd tell the difference, but in a rare moment of insight he notices the deep blush on ben's cheeks —
and bill's about to demand more, ask how he'd tell the difference, but in a rare moment of insight he notices the deep blush on ben's cheeks —
— and puts it together with the way ben used to look away whenever he & bev would hold hands or kiss in front of the other losers. he remembers the postcard bev keeps in her bedroom wall & is suddenly sure if he looked at ben's notes, he'd find an exact match for the handwriting
"oh," bill finally says, and then with his typical lack of tact, "you love her, too."
ben's blush deepens. "maybe i do. but it's none of your business and it has nothing to do with you and her. she deserves to be loved right no matter who she likes."
ben's blush deepens. "maybe i do. but it's none of your business and it has nothing to do with you and her. she deserves to be loved right no matter who she likes."
bill can't disagree with that, although he's still not sure what ben means by "loving right." but over the next few weeks, he finds himself watching ben to see how he acts around bev. he notices how ben does small things to make her life easier without her noticing —
— like happening to pack extra cookies in his lunch, or complaining about project deadlines for the classes they share right where she can hear. he sees ben tape an anonymous bundle of flowers to bev's locker one morning and thinks, oh. i want that. i want to do that for someone
but bill's not good at loving yet, so he needs to practice, and he decides to practice by loving ben
and then it's like, by paying so much attention to ben to see how he loves & figure out how to love him, bill accidentally falls in love for real. it takes ben a while to figure out what's going on—he's used to loving others, not being loved—but by then he's been thoroughly wooed
i feel like i should mention as an author's note on this thread (hjdkdhdjkh) that i don't actually think bill is "bad at loving people" but i do think he can be kind of self-centered in how he cares for people bc he tends to see himself as the center of his narrative...
...and is much more focused on the bigger picture than small details. e.g. his grief for georgie is about georgie but it's also about how BILL feels & how it all affects HIM. which is a totally normal & sensible way to be, but as a teenager that can run more toward selfishness
compared to ben, whose love for bev in the novel can even be a bit TOO selfless sometimes. i think the two of them could balance each other out, with bill showing ben how to prioritize himself and ben showing bill how to love more softly, less loudly
