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When we come out, a lot of us are very quick to tell our families, friends, employers, and ourselves that we will be largely the same person we always were, with the same interests, the same personality, the same dreams. It’s just our names, pronouns, & presentation that change.
At first, this will probably be true. Some sameness is comforting, and stabilizing. Too many changes at once are often disorienting and too difficult to manage. Also, a lot of us are pretty sure we don’t WANT to change much. And so we rush to reassure everyone that we are intact.
That was what I told everyone. I said I’d still love to make art, and I’d listen to metal music, and I’d write poems, and read comic books. On and on, that I would be the same product wrapped in a different package. It made them feel better, and it made me feel better, too.
But the truth became that I didn’t stay the same. My musical taste did change. My artistic output all but vanished. I couldn’t care less about Converse sneakers anymore; give me a pair of cute summer wedges any day. I said I probably wouldn’t wear dresses because I was scared to.
But it’s been 3 years. I’m not scared anymore. I’ve grown & matured. I’ve found new certainties & new confusions, too. The reality is, I AM a different person, & I should have always expected I would be. I should have encouraged everyone to delight with me in how I might change,
not coddling them (and myself) with how I would stay the same. Maybe we all needed to tell ourselves that lie at the time. But the truth is that when you change how you live & move through the world, when you have pulled yourself out from under secrets & stigmas, you change, too.
I don’t make art anymore because all of my art was about realizing my gender, & now that that’s sorted, I haven’t yet found another sufficiently buried existential problem that bubbles up in paint & ink. So I don’t express myself in art anymore. Of course I miss it!
I pretty rarely listen to the metal music I used to listen to anymore. If I do, it’s for difference & nostalgia, not actually for any emotional output. When I felt so angry, & isolated, & powerless, that music gave me a sense of power & belonging. But I’m empowered now.
I have community. I don’t feel angry about having no place in the world, & so that music is more of an old friend now. Now, I’m most likely to put on orchestral video game music, or some pop or folk songstress that I denied myself pre-transition because it was “too soft.”
But the fact is, I’m softer now, in every way. My soul is calmer, & my brain isn’t the violent, divided battleground that it used to be. Different things matter to me to now, and that’s OK. It’s okay for you, too. Transitioning to a more authentic expression of yourself is OK.
You don’t owe it to anyone to stay the same. You don’t owe it to anyone to hold on to old things for their comfort. You aren’t betraying anything about yourself or the things that used to matter to you if suddenly they don’t matter much to you anymore. You are allowed to change.
It can be hard to process those changes, especially if they are things you pinned a part of your identity on, or even partially made a living from. That’s what art was for me. I identified as an artist. I don’t know if I do anymore, or if I can, or even if I need to. That’s hard.
But it’s OK. It’s natural to progress, to learn, to leave behind some things, and to take up other things. I’ve been considering that a lot of the things that stay with you post-transition are the things that were always true about you. But some things won’t stay, & that’s hard.
It can feel like a loss of who you are, & that’s why we reassure ourselves & others from the start that that won’t happen. But what if instead of promising that we won’t lose ourselves, we promised that we would commit to finding ourselves? What if we said, “I’m going to change.”
I’m going to find the best version of myself, one who feels happier, more authentic, more fulfilled & hopeful. I’m going to change because staying the same was killing me. Maybe you all loved the version of me you knew for so long, but I hope you’ll discover & love who I become.
You’re allowed to claim change right at the beginning if you want to. You’re allowed to look forward instead of holding on to the past, if you want to. You don’t have to bring anything into your new life that serves others but no longer serves you. Change is good.
Have I told you recently that I love who you are becoming? I’m so proud of you. I’ve watched you claim yourself, & embrace yourself, & discover yourself, and it’s so thrilling to watch you become who you want to be and who you are meant to be.
I love you.
I love you.
Since this is resonating with SO many people, I’ve published this as a story on @Medium to make it easier to share outside of Twitter. Here you go! https://link.medium.com/ekNMcy2QO8
