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Breaking news from GNMS (government news mismanagement scheme.) We are sad to announce that our Quarantine Distraction, in which we hoped by creating anger and confusion among hundreds of thousands of holidaymakers, did not work. People continue to focus on our Exams failure 1/4
We have decided we need a fresh distraction and this means Public Health England will be scrapped. We are confident most of the media will fall for this, and hope the public can be as gullible. Further we are hopeful this will suggest PHE was to blame for our Covid failures 2/4
The highest excess death rates and deepest recession were helped off the agenda by our successful Channel dinghy distraction, but exams are proving a tougher nut. We believe the quick double whammy of Quarantine PLUS PHE should do the trick. 3/4
In keeping with our theme of trolling the nation via croneyism, and the reward of failure, we will be briefing selectively that Dido Harding, wife of Tory MP John Penrose, will run the new body. We stand ready to bring in further distractions should GCSEs go as badly as As 4/4
