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Another Halloween at CivilWarHumor HQ …
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
(opens door) “Oh my stars--come in, Mr. Lincoln." (Shouts) “HONEY, THE SHRINE AND THE RITUALS WORKED!”
“Uh, sir? This is a costume.”
“Oh, right. It’s Halloween. Damn. For a second, I thought we were saved …”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
(opens door) “Oh my stars--come in, Mr. Lincoln." (Shouts) “HONEY, THE SHRINE AND THE RITUALS WORKED!”
“Uh, sir? This is a costume.”
“Oh, right. It’s Halloween. Damn. For a second, I thought we were saved …”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
“And who are you dressed up as, little boy?”
“Gen. Joe Johnston.”
“Sorry. No candy for you, and you better get off the porch FAST.”
“Why?”
“There’s a girl in a Sherman costume at the side door. Looks like you’ve been outflanked again, Joe!”
“Trick or treat!”
“And who are you dressed up as, little boy?”
“Gen. Joe Johnston.”
“Sorry. No candy for you, and you better get off the porch FAST.”
“Why?”
“There’s a girl in a Sherman costume at the side door. Looks like you’ve been outflanked again, Joe!”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m an 1860s suffragette. And I demand to have my vote counted.”
“Are you voting for Biden?”
(frowns) “ … yes. Now count my vote!”
“Oh, sister. Did you pick the WRONG year …”
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m an 1860s suffragette. And I demand to have my vote counted.”
“Are you voting for Biden?”
(frowns) “ … yes. Now count my vote!”
“Oh, sister. Did you pick the WRONG year …”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Robert E. Lee.”
“Sorry about your statue coming down.”
“No you’re not.”
“Is that why you named your horse Traveller? He likes to move?”
“Are you done?”
“No, I’ve got LOTS more. Cmon, take a seat. You know, like you did at Appomattox...”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Robert E. Lee.”
“Sorry about your statue coming down.”
“No you’re not.”
“Is that why you named your horse Traveller? He likes to move?”
“Are you done?”
“No, I’ve got LOTS more. Cmon, take a seat. You know, like you did at Appomattox...”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“I heard this was a Civil War house. I’m Captain America!”
“You bought a Civil War SHIELD? Those are a scam.”
“But it deflects Thor’s Hammer. And adamantium blades!”
“Great. Wake me when it stops a 20-pound Parrott rifle.”
(slams door)
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“I heard this was a Civil War house. I’m Captain America!”
“You bought a Civil War SHIELD? Those are a scam.”
“But it deflects Thor’s Hammer. And adamantium blades!”
“Great. Wake me when it stops a 20-pound Parrott rifle.”
(slams door)
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain! Boy, there's a lotta Rebel flags in Maine these days.”
“Why is that?”
“Leftover Canadian Confederates.”
“Sounds like a jamband.”
“Ugh. Can I have a Gobstomper?”
“Sure. Now we’ll see how professors chew.”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain! Boy, there's a lotta Rebel flags in Maine these days.”
“Why is that?”
“Leftover Canadian Confederates.”
“Sounds like a jamband.”
“Ugh. Can I have a Gobstomper?”
“Sure. Now we’ll see how professors chew.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“James Longstreet.”
“Oh. You just missed Chamberlain.”
“Darn. Where’s the candy?”
“Over there.”
“Where?”
“To your right. Keep going… a little further right… just a little further right...”
“Okaay. Did Chamberlain put you up to this?”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“James Longstreet.”
“Oh. You just missed Chamberlain.”
“Darn. Where’s the candy?”
“Over there.”
“Where?”
“To your right. Keep going… a little further right… just a little further right...”
“Okaay. Did Chamberlain put you up to this?”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“A Civil War nurse!”
“Ah, yes, because what says ‘mischievous night of childish frivolity’ like dealing with the unspeakable horrors of Chickahominy Fever?"
“Dude, I’m 9.”
“I know. It’s more a question for the costume manufacturer.”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“A Civil War nurse!”
“Ah, yes, because what says ‘mischievous night of childish frivolity’ like dealing with the unspeakable horrors of Chickahominy Fever?"
“Dude, I’m 9.”
“I know. It’s more a question for the costume manufacturer.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“A Confederate Zombie.”
“Oh, hey, Gen. Bragg. What’s up?”
“Not much. Just thought I’d swing by, see if I’m the butt of any jokes.”
“Lemme check … nope, not yet. What are you gonna be for Halloween this year?”
“Haven’t decided.”
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“A Confederate Zombie.”
“Oh, hey, Gen. Bragg. What’s up?”
“Not much. Just thought I’d swing by, see if I’m the butt of any jokes.”
“Lemme check … nope, not yet. What are you gonna be for Halloween this year?”
“Haven’t decided.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Susan B. Anthony! I was on the $1 coin for a shockingly short time. And I’m Harriet Tubman! I was gonna be on the $20 bill until Trump came along.”
“Is ... is this a hold-up?”
“Yeah, give us back our Historical Due. And two Twizzlers.”
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Susan B. Anthony! I was on the $1 coin for a shockingly short time. And I’m Harriet Tubman! I was gonna be on the $20 bill until Trump came along.”
“Is ... is this a hold-up?”
“Yeah, give us back our Historical Due. And two Twizzlers.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“A well-regulated militia.”
“BullSHIT. Give me a right wheel turn.”
“Huh?”
“Exactly. Militias had their chance at Bull Run. You know what happened? SENSELESS SLAUGHTER.”
“...look, sir, it’s just a costume.”
“Oh, NOW it’s just a costume.”
“Trick or treat!”
“Who are you?”
“A well-regulated militia.”
“BullSHIT. Give me a right wheel turn.”
“Huh?”
“Exactly. Militias had their chance at Bull Run. You know what happened? SENSELESS SLAUGHTER.”
“...look, sir, it’s just a costume.”
“Oh, NOW it’s just a costume.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat! Guess who I am!”
“You’re either Custer” (squints) "... or the rhythm guitarist in a Skynyrd cover band.”
"...how’d you KNOW?!?”
“I’m CivilWarHumor, kid. I’ve been doing this since 1861.”
“You’ve been alive that long?”
“It feels like it this week, yes.”
“Trick or Treat! Guess who I am!”
“You’re either Custer” (squints) "... or the rhythm guitarist in a Skynyrd cover band.”
"...how’d you KNOW?!?”
“I’m CivilWarHumor, kid. I’ve been doing this since 1861.”
“You’ve been alive that long?”
“It feels like it this week, yes.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Southern belles. Don’t you find us charming?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Say, Yank, which way is the army headed?”
“I don’t know, Secesh. Now take a Snickers and go.”
“Why, you’ve got an attitude.”
(bows) “It’s called ‘Northern hospitality.’”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Southern belles. Don’t you find us charming?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Say, Yank, which way is the army headed?”
“I don’t know, Secesh. Now take a Snickers and go.”
“Why, you’ve got an attitude.”
(bows) “It’s called ‘Northern hospitality.’”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Oh my. Who are YOU?”
“Custer.”
“No, you’re the KFC Colonel in a Cirque du Soleil show in Hell. Which I would watch.”
(sighs) “I got the costume on an Australian site.”
“NEVER buy Old West from overseas. It's … problematic.”
“Yes. I know that now.”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Oh my. Who are YOU?”
“Custer.”
“No, you’re the KFC Colonel in a Cirque du Soleil show in Hell. Which I would watch.”
(sighs) “I got the costume on an Australian site.”
“NEVER buy Old West from overseas. It's … problematic.”
“Yes. I know that now.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I’m a Civil War soldier.”
“No, you’re a Revolutionary War minuteman.”
“My parents said I was a--”
“Where are your parents? In the car? TAKE ME TO THEM. No child left behind, my ass. Where’d they go to school, PragerU?”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I’m a Civil War soldier.”
“No, you’re a Revolutionary War minuteman.”
“My parents said I was a--”
“Where are your parents? In the car? TAKE ME TO THEM. No child left behind, my ass. Where’d they go to school, PragerU?”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Hey, Abe’s back with Frederick Douglass! Come in, guys, take a seat. This country could use you right now: two stable geniuses solving all the serious issues confronting us. But first, you want candy?”
“Longstreet said you were giving out edibles.”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Hey, Abe’s back with Frederick Douglass! Come in, guys, take a seat. This country could use you right now: two stable geniuses solving all the serious issues confronting us. But first, you want candy?”
“Longstreet said you were giving out edibles.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Ulysses S. Grant!”
“From the History Channel series!”
“Yep. I wish DiCaprio played me."
“Only British actors can play U.S. heroes.”
“What’s WITH that?”
“It’s a clause in the Lend-Lease Act.”
“Damn Churchill. Stole my cigar look, too.”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Who are you?”
“Ulysses S. Grant!”
“From the History Channel series!”
“Yep. I wish DiCaprio played me."
“Only British actors can play U.S. heroes.”
“What’s WITH that?”
“It’s a clause in the Lend-Lease Act.”
“Damn Churchill. Stole my cigar look, too.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Tre -- sorry, just trying to (mmph) get this ramrod down the barrel … can I prop up my leg for leverage, and--”
“I am calmly levelling my pistol…”
“If I can just push down...”
“ … aiming…”
(ramrod snaps)
“It was a young man’s war, sir. A young man’s war.”
“Trick or Tre -- sorry, just trying to (mmph) get this ramrod down the barrel … can I prop up my leg for leverage, and--”
“I am calmly levelling my pistol…”
“If I can just push down...”
“ … aiming…”
(ramrod snaps)
“It was a young man’s war, sir. A young man’s war.”
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Okay, I don’t like your expression AT ALL.”
“I’’m Nathan Bedford Forrest.”
“Then take a K-K-KitKat and get the fuck off my porch.”
(slams door)
“Trick or Treat!”
“Okay, I don’t like your expression AT ALL.”
“I’’m Nathan Bedford Forrest.”
“Then take a K-K-KitKat and get the fuck off my porch.”
(slams door)
DING-DONG
“Trick or Treat!”
“Hey, Yank. That hat is NOT period.”
“I know. It looks like a youth soccer team logo.”
“No way you’re surviving a Civil War battlefield.”
“Oh, well.” (giggles) “At least the older generations, in their wisdom, will never let it come to that.”
“.....”
“Trick or Treat!”
“Hey, Yank. That hat is NOT period.”
“I know. It looks like a youth soccer team logo.”
“No way you’re surviving a Civil War battlefield.”
“Oh, well.” (giggles) “At least the older generations, in their wisdom, will never let it come to that.”
“.....”
DING-DONG
“Trick or treat!”
(CWH rubs eyes)
“Huh? Who are you?”
“I’m JEB Stuart! Gimme all your candy, Yank!”
“Oh, JEB ...”
“What?”
“It’s November, dude. Halloween was last night. You missed the party AGAIN. But here’s a milk dud. Give it to Gen. Mahone for his dyspepsia.”
“Trick or treat!”
(CWH rubs eyes)
“Huh? Who are you?”
“I’m JEB Stuart! Gimme all your candy, Yank!”
“Oh, JEB ...”
“What?”
“It’s November, dude. Halloween was last night. You missed the party AGAIN. But here’s a milk dud. Give it to Gen. Mahone for his dyspepsia.”
