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[THREAD] let’s talk about bereavement, specifically in our culture. Unfortunately, given the pandemic, we are losing more and more our loved ones. Each culture has certain ways of grieving, and an expected response and appropriate timeline to recover.
Unfortunately, there are many individual ways in which different people can grieve that is completely different from the expected way. For example, in my culture, we are supposed to show a lot of tears for the departed loved one in the first few days.
However, some people can’t cry at the beginning or even throughout the process. Some people may start to think that maybe they didn’t love the departed person. Crying is used to show that we cared. However, crying has no relation to how much we loved the person.
We can deeply miss someone without necessarily crying. Furthermore, after the first few months, we are not supposed to show outward signs of grieving. It becomes too much. Some people may start to lose patience or not show empathy towards our grief anymore.
However, for many people, it takes time for the initial shock to go away and for the grieving process to start, or they may have been in the denial stage at first as a coping mechanism before they finally started grieving. Timelines for grieving vary greatly between people.
When it comes to bereavement, there are 5 distinct stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So many of us think that we move through them in a linear fashion. However, it is not the case at all. We can go back and forth between these stages for a long time.
We can move through many of these categories even within the same day, and it is completely normal. It may take time to make our peace with our departed loved one. However, structures in our societies do not permit that. Work may only give one or two days of bereavement leave.
Families expect us to go back to work or school and just continue with our life. However, it is not normal to expect someone to be operational again after such a short amount of time. Going back to daily tasks or closing that topic may make the grieving process even longer.
We talked about the importance of externalizing in order to make sense of our emotions. When people close those doors too quickly, it leaves us feeling as if we do not have outlets but to repress that grief, which means that it is then more likely to turn into something more.
That means it leaves the door open for depression and anxiety to set in, extending our grieving time even further. So what can we do? The first and foremost best thing we can for ourselves is take the necessary time to grieve. It may take you 2 months or a year.
It doesn’t mean that you didn’t love them if you finish your grieving process after a few months. You are not taking too long if you take a year. Your way of grieving is completely normal and deserves to be validated, no matter what others may say.
The second thing is to externalize. If there are people in your life who have empathy or are understanding, you can grieve in front of them. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it in front of others, you can grieve alone by crying when no one is around, talking out loud alone.
You can journal memories that you have with your departed loved one, positive and negative ones, you can draw them, look at pictures or choose these things later, as long as you take the time that you feel you need. I am still so surprised at how fast we are expected to recover.
If you feel you need extra support, please seek out a therapist to have that safe environment to externalize. While they may not be able to speed up the process per say, they can provide that environment for you to be open with it.
My thoughts are with those who have lost loved ones, going through their grief. I am sorry for your losses, please take the time and space you need, no matter how short or long it is 
