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As the former Cube Monkey Patient Zero and thus king of killing hours and hours of misery every single weekday, today I’ll be offering tips on how to make the day go faster until you give up and watch democracy crumble on the news tonight.
1. Black out. Never too early to start
1. Black out. Never too early to start
2. Buy and defeat an entire videogame. They take a lot longer than they used to!
3. watch The Irishman. Can you believe that movie is less than a year old?! It’s a week long!
4. Make a list of people to NOT call today. When you’re done, unfollow all of them on every platform.
5. Are there any sports that you’re utterly confused by? Look up how those work! I plan to learn what Icing is in hockey today
6. Take a long walk and get lost on purpose. Don’t take your phone. Literally get lost.
7. Prepare a food you don’t usually enjoy but screw around with spices long enough that you’ll like it. If you can make a carrot taste like something other than paper, good job!
8. Look up the worst people from your high school. While you do this, you’ll probably remember MORE terrible people that you can look up!
Do not do this one.
Do not do this one.
9. Buy some little green army men and recreate the Battle of Isandlwana. Google it, you’ll be surprised who wins!
10. Acquire some gimp or hemp and make a useless keychain or unwearable necklace. You probably didn’t even know that you remember how to do this!
11. Watch the Great British Baking Show. They’re so good at baking and so bad at regular stuff. Look at this shit!
12. Have a peloton? Get lost in Ally Love or Denis Morton’s eyes!
13. Congrats! It’s almost 11am! Take out a few spices and some eggs. Have yourself a time!
14. If you don’t already do them, try cigarettes or gambling just for today and then never again. You can say you quit!
15. Tweet. Like a LOT. I’m doing it right now. You’re pretty much guaranteed at least a few likes!
16. Watch an old Royal Rumble on YouTube. You don’t need any context at all, they’re pure chaos, and they last a while. The physics of these eliminations make no sense!
17. Remember seasons 8 and 9 of The Office? The ones after Michael Scott left? Of course you don’t! But they’re still on Netflix for some reason! Robert California is funnier than you remember. Nellie Bertram is not.
18. Write the NFL a strongly worded letter asking for fewer goddam NFC East games in prime time next year. Here’s their address!
345 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10154
345 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10154
19. Eat an entire bottle of CBD gummies. Warning: this one might backfire and make time stand still
20. Pack for thanksgiving! Why the hell not?! It’ll make your parents happy.
21. Make a list of things you’d like to accomplish by the next election. When you’re done, add 4 to your current age for a surprise bummer!
22. Look up the operational logistics of an airport or train station. Aren’t humans incredible?!
23. Read a kickass book like this about a hilarious business failure. Investors are idiots just like us!
24. Have you planned your winter holiday travel yet? No time like the present to price out every possible option!
25. Make a playlist of songs you liked ~10 years ago. Look at these classics!
26. Lose yourself in a really long Sporcle quiz. Nothing makes several minutes go by faster than remembering some guys! https://www.sporcle.com/games/stiggles37/nfl-starting-quarterbacks-2010s
27. Get killed by a teenager in Among Us! It’s violent, but in a cute, charming way
28. Fly from west to east. It literally makes the day shorter!
29. Get mad as how much better the current Google app icons are than the new ones will be. These sure are trash!
30. Get mad at these rankings of the original 151 Pokémon and create your own list. Venusaur forever. https://www.barstoolsports.com/blog/3042550/twitter-asked-so-i-must-deliver.-the-original-151-pokemon-ranked
31. Walk your dog. If you don’t have one, borrow one from a neighbor or something!
(Realized I started the last two with “get mad” and needed to even things out)
(Realized I started the last two with “get mad” and needed to even things out)
32. Remember when you’d just like, draw stuff as a kid? Draw that stuff again!
33. Run your app updates! I’ve seen some of you post your homescreen with insane numbers on this icon. Take care of your apps, people!
