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Listening to Elgar 2, in tears in the slow movement - it is unbearably beautiful and just pushes my crying button. But I don't cry when I'm playing it, instead of listening. There is an interesting parallel with what I'm feeling during this COVID pandemic. Bear with me here.
I am fortunate enough to have the luck/skills to be able to sit deeply embedded in a full symphony orchestra, playing a small but crucial part in the rich tapestry of a huge symphonic work (see also Brahms 2, Mahler 1, Tchaik 5, Beethoven 3)
When I’m playing, I have to be aware of so many more things than when I’m just listening. I have to know where I am and what my role is at any given moment, when to be prominent, when to support, when to blend, when to let someone else shine.
I have to pay attention to the conductor (usually), the written notes, the sounds, my immediate colleagues and of course (my favourite bit, because I am a nosey and social person) the audience.
I feel v. emotional during performances, many ‘tingly moments’, but I cannot allow myself to become overwhelmed. I have to contain the music, & the emotion it generates, within me, rather than allow it to wash over me. I have to recognise the emotions rather than give in to them
It’s almost impossible to play the viola in a symphony orchestra when you’re weeping uncontrollably (believe me, I’ve tried) Just like it’s impossible to tend to patients when you’re wearing full PPE and weeping uncontrollably (believe me I’ve tried)
But all that emotion has to go SOMEWHERE. You have to close the loop. So it’s not unheard of for me on the way home to play a recording of the symphony I’ve just played and weep along to that (weeping and driving is something I’m quite skilled at now)
And I’m learning that weeping after an emotional day at work is also a form of closing the loop, never a sign of failure, but a sign of feeling - of being human.
And I feel INCREDIBLY lucky that in both scenarios I don’t just have to watch, or just listen. I am right in there, in the middle of it all, taking part. I know that might seem strange, but I feel oddly fortunate to be so directly useful in this pandemic, and that sustains me.
Thank you for indulging me in this unintelligible stream of consciousness. I’m fine - really I am - and I feel grateful every day for family, friends & colleagues & I can’t wait until I can sit in the middle of a symphony orchestra again counting bars instead of COVID cases 
