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meditation update
I'm at this really interesting point in my practice where I have this semipermanent sense of a "larger" Self that exists in a state of Basically Okay, even while "smaller Selves" move around through various states
I'm at this really interesting point in my practice where I have this semipermanent sense of a "larger" Self that exists in a state of Basically Okay, even while "smaller Selves" move around through various states
it isn't quite equanimity, I don't think
just awareness that the broader "Okayness" is Out There and accessible, at least *eventually*
just awareness that the broader "Okayness" is Out There and accessible, at least *eventually*
instead of feeling like there is just a Me that Changes over time ("becomes" more Okay, "becomes" more distressed), I feel like there's this outside-of-time Peaceful Self that is just...gazing down at all of these little tangles and states
it reminds me a bit of the aliens in Slaughterhouse Five, that can see all of the slices of time at once
I don't feel like this thing makes me more fatalistic or apathetic, though; if anything, it makes life much easier on those "smaller selves" because they "know" that their "current" state isn't an "emergency"
it feels like the start of a cure for catastrophizing
it feels like the start of a cure for catastrophizing
and the funny thing is, the knowledge still exists even when I'm in a catastrophizing sort of state
I woke up kind of panicked this morning, felt the weight of a bunch of things pressing on me, felt despair, etc
I woke up kind of panicked this morning, felt the weight of a bunch of things pressing on me, felt despair, etc
but the existence of that larger-than-Self Okayness meant that I could just kind of...get up, go about my day, digest all of the "everything is horrible" feelings, and eventually stop feeling paralyzed
it's extremely cool
but it also feels relatively...mundane? there are moments of euphoria in my meditation practice but it's not like permanent calm or joy or anything
but it also feels relatively...mundane? there are moments of euphoria in my meditation practice but it's not like permanent calm or joy or anything
"I" am Basically Fine, and semi-permanently feel large enough to contain all of the pieces that are Not Fine
desire, goals, craving, grasping, turmoil, despair...all still exist
but they exist Within Me, and Me exists within something that is very deeply Okay
desire, goals, craving, grasping, turmoil, despair...all still exist
but they exist Within Me, and Me exists within something that is very deeply Okay
this feels like a really big deal in some ways
and not a big deal at all in other ways
it's a pretty "simple" alteration to my life, but it feels like a tiny improvement to every single part of the system-that-is-me
and not a big deal at all in other ways
it's a pretty "simple" alteration to my life, but it feels like a tiny improvement to every single part of the system-that-is-me
maybe this is one of the things Stoicism tries to point to 
oddly, I think I owe some of the "semipermanence" of this development to spending 40+ hours knitting
