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In therapy, I've been working on making and maintaining boundaries as a way to achieve better work-life balance in the midst of my transition to this new TT position.
I've found one of the hardest parts of this work is adhering to the boundaries I set against my own habits to cede time and energy to others even at my own expense. It's strange to struggle against my own boundaries meant to make my life better--habits of survival die hard.
I've also become really aware of a particular kind of toxicity that has emerged from colleagues, friends, and family: a refusal to take my boundaries seriously because I am new to making them and standing by them.
These are often the same people who will create boundaries themselves but when confronted with them, they see it as an affront to their needs and their priority in my life. What I find most appalling is that it's almost always framed as "detrimental to *our* relationship."
I'm always curious who gets to invoke that first-person plural "we" or "us" and to what kinds of manipulative ends. Selective identification with someone only to indict them for their failure to put you first over themselves.
I'm used to being condescended to, underestimated, but there's something particularly hurtful about someone saying they didn't believe I really had it in me to have real boundaries or to be so disciplined about how I invest my time and energy.
"Travis, you just don't usually say no. I'm surprised you're doing it now. What's so different about this time? Am I not worth it?" There's so much emotional manipulation here.
Learning how to say no confidently, gracefully, firmly even in the face of those that would dismiss it is a life lesson that applies currently in every facet of my life.
Self-advocacy is exhausting, BIPOC/queer/disabled folks know this. But we're the only ones who can do it for our selves. There are people claiming to be friends and colleagues just waiting to take advantage of our exhaustion and compassion.
Tl;dr: I'm a piscean through and through. Pisces rising, too.
