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A no-shitter sea story, about an abusive woman boss. I was one of the 1st women to go to sea on a naval combatant: HMS Sheffield, in the summer of 1994. Great boss there, fantastic deployment. They'd had women on combatants for 3 years, so it was NBD. But then in 1995, 1/
I PCS'ed to USS Mount Whitney, aka Pier 10. Its mission was to provide C2 for JTFEXes (are those still a thing?) It was a miserable ship. I'd been out on her as a shiprider in 1993 & knew what to expect, though. And my 1st DH, a guy, wasn't too bad. His relief was a woman. 2/
I'd been involved w/the ship for 2 1/2 yrs when she arrived. Knew the mission, was good at the job. Had been ops for an intel watch floor at a major shore command. She had done none of those things, & she had some ideas about how to run things that I thought made no sense. 3/
I'm sure I wasn't an easy subordinate. She was a TERRIBLE boss. She liked to criticize & shame in public. She micromanaged even the work the seamen were doing. She liked to act tough, pulling security clearances & dooming petty officers to a minimum of 6 months of swabbing 4/
decks if they had the least financial difficulty or other problem she, as SSO, decided needed to be punished. That was what got me the worst: abusing enlisted personnel. If she decided someone was a dirtbag, it was a B/W issue & she wanted them out of "her" Navy. 5/
There were 3 women LTs in the department, & 1 LT who was a man. Guess who could do nothing right, & who could do nothing wrong? If you even asked her a question for clarification, she accused you of "questioning [her] authority." She was insecure as hell, & wanted to be 6/
more of a man as the toughest man on ship. Dear readers, I have never been as close to suicide as I was in the 18 months I worked for her. The week after my wedding, and 7 weeks after my father's funeral, she fired me from my leadership position, accusing me of some things 7/
I hadn't done. XO wasn't going to undermine her, but he found ways for me not to have to work too directly for her for the last year I was on the ship. You can imagine what happened to my fitreps. Those fitters are why I was passed over for O5 (picked it up on a 2nd look, 8/
never got to put it on; a story for another day). *fitreps* stupid autocorrect.
It took me 20 years to really understand what that had all been about. First, we were swimming in a soup of toxic masculinity. By that point, I was inured to it, to some degree 9/
It took me 20 years to really understand what that had all been about. First, we were swimming in a soup of toxic masculinity. By that point, I was inured to it, to some degree 9/
(thank you, naval aviation). We were also under a microscope, b/c 1st women at sea. It didn't bother me, b/c I had enough sea time by then that I wasn't afraid men would think I couldn't do the job. She was v. insecure, for which I had exactly zero understanding/compassion. 10/
And worst of all, she'd been raised by a very abusive & misogynistic father who only wanted sons. He abused her physically. She could never please him. I now know that when she got to the ship, she reenacted her trauma on us— 11/
w/herself in Daddy's role, us in hers. She probably had no idea she was doing it. A history of intergenerational trauma & the misogynistic, toxic soup we were swimming in do not excuse her behavior. She made choices. But it's an explanation. 12/
I do not have to forgive her for what she did to my pleasure in my sea tour (and there was; it's why I joined the Navy). Or for what she did to the sailors, to my career, or to my mental health. I saw her once after I PCS'ed; she did not apologize. I didn't confront her. 13/
Too soon. It took me 20 years to fully believe that whatever problems I caused her, I didn't deserve what she did—and a couple of years after that to understand about the intergenerational trauma. I think that if I saw her now, I'd be beyond 14/
telling her that I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I like to think I could tell her straight up what she did to me, & accept an apology IF she chose to offer one. Maybe she wouldn't. What I know I wouldn't do, if she wrote a memoir about that time, /15
is tell people not to read it. B/c writers who are decent people don't do that to other writers, whatever their personal differences. Writing books is hard. Writing memoir is hella hard. I like to think that wherever Evil DH is, she's a different person now /16
—especially to people she knows personally. I like to think that she has done some reflection, & can own up to at least some of her mistakes on ship. I hope I'm a LITTLE better at owning up to my own professional arrogance & bad followership at that time. /17
I sincerely hope that if she was on fire now, I wouldn't piss on her. I'd go get a firehose, & call 911. Nobody else has to do that or see the world that way. But I hope this makes my earlier comments elsewhere a little clearer. /18
Be kind to each other out there. Give each other grace, when you can, & when it's the right thing to do. 19/end
