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There's a lot of general talk about protecting our fish, about saving our fish from foreign trawlers and the rough hands of men from Ouistreham. But who is this fish? What's his story? Why does he need saving. Read on to hear more about Frank and why YOU should care
Frank was born in 1984 off Shanklin in the Solent. His parents Margaret, a legal underwriter from Southampton, and Simon, a turbot, were delighted with their new offspring and his 4,000 siblings but soon the pressure of their love would tell. Frank would become a spoiled sprat.
Expelled from their school for seahorseplay, Frank fell into a life of petty crime and drug abuse. Pursued by the ace French detectives Sharky and George as an accessory to a krill, Frank headed for the Thames and the safety of his Codfather. He'd fallen in with the Shoal
For a time he was just another cog in the criminal wheel, but life as a lobster never felt right. Even when he was tying helium balloons to the enemies of his Boss so they could sleep with the birds, he knew it was only a matter of time before it would be his fins in the noose
Gradually he began slipping information on the Shoal to the River Police. It was a dangerous double game to play but he knew if it worked out he'd be well rewarded as the police's Sole in the organisation. He'd get a new life, a new identify and a new chance
When the time came, it came quickly. A botched raid on the lobsters hideout following the kidnapping of the mayor's goldfish and Frank's secret was out. He had to get out. He was sent to a safe tank, operated by the calm and collected Conservative backbencher John Redwood.
Under normal circumstances John stayed disconnected and aloof from the fish he keptsafe. However there was an instant connection with Frank. They'd sit up long into the night, John telling Frank about his career long battle with sanity and the French, Frank listening in awe
It was only a matter of time before this friendship blossomed into a whirlwind romance. But tales of adventure in the Wokingham Conservative Association and passionate sex can only maintain love for so long. Frank accused John of infidelity, John told Frank he was a cold fish.
Frank fled again, as so often in his life, swimming down the Thames without a backward look, out into the wide north sea. But he couldn't forget all the help Britain had given him and so refused to leave the waters of the UK EEZ in solidarity with the island nation he loved.
John Redwood, realising his passion had lost him the only fish he'd ever love, swore an oath to never let a foreign hand mis-use Frank, wherever he might be. And so here we are. If only any of us could be so principled.
Many people have asked what The Shape of Water would've been like if it was set in Britain. Ask no longer.
