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THREAD: My experience with what i believe is POCD, a pro ship perspective.
I joined pro ship twitter around October 2019. My only kinks were noncon and incest, I had no real interest in lolisho. This changed as I followed and interacted with people who were shotacons; my interest in shota content grew and it became the majority of what I tweeted about.
I was having fun with my new mutuals and friends who liked similar content, and I felt comfortable and happy with these people who wouldn’t judge me for my fictional interests.
Over time I grew to have around 2000 followers, which is where I began to have problems. Numbers like that aren’t really “a lot” on twitter, but for me, who had been used to mutuals only accounts of around 100 or so people, this was a huge platform and one that I was not used to.
Some of my tweets began to gain traction, which of course meant that more people who /didn’t/ agree with me or my content would see it and reply. Which meant, of course, a barrage of people calling me pedophile entering my notifications.
At first I thought it was funny. I knew I wasn’t a pedophile, I had never been attracted to a real child in my life, it was absurd. I relished in the negative attention, I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, /I/ knew who I was and I knew who I wasn’t.
This didn’t last forever, however. It got tiring. It got tiring being called this over and over and over again, being harassed, feeling the need to explain myself, to justify myself constantly.
It gave me anxiety. It gave me paranoia, that someone might doxx me, call my workplace, call my family, accuse me of being a monster.
And I began to wonder myself, what if they were right? What if I was a pedophile and I just didn’t realize it? What if I was in denial? What if I had the ability to hurt someone in ways that were disgusting and unforgivable?
And even though there was no reason to believe now that I could hurt a child anymore than before I started liking shota content, even though I had and have never been attracted to minors, I began to get really scared.
Now, more than a year later, I still feel scared. I get paranoid that I’m betraying my boyfriend and my friends’ trust by not telling them about my fears, that I’m a liar and a freak and that I deserve to die.
I hear stories of abusers, I see callouts and I think “Am I like those people? Am I the same as them?” I think to myself, “What if I have a child one day? I would never hurt them, but will I constantly be paranoid that I will?”
After doing research on the subject, I suspect that I may have developed POCD. I won’t go into detail about all the symptoms I exhibit, but it is . . . a lot, and it’s something that affects me on a daily basis.
I’ve often had irrational fears and intrusive thoughts due to mental illness before, but none of them are as distressing as these.
Deep down, I know I would never hurt a child and have never had the desire to hurt a child. But now it’s something that I have to tell myself everyday. Something within the accusations I faced sparked a fear in me that I may have to face for the rest of my life.
For my final thought, I would like to ask anyone who has had similar experiences to come forth and share them or even just talk about them with me. I could definitely use some support, and I know others could too.
If there is enough interest, I might even like to start a Discord server for people struggling with this or something similar. A support group of sorts.
Anyway, thank you for reading all of this if you did, and please stay safe out there!
Anyway, thank you for reading all of this if you did, and please stay safe out there!
