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Deadnames!
I just heard that some folks learned that term from my last thread, so I'm gonna just explain what we mean when we say "my deadname" or use it as a verb.
It sounds ominous, and it has implications that aren't really accurate, or at least not universal.
I just heard that some folks learned that term from my last thread, so I'm gonna just explain what we mean when we say "my deadname" or use it as a verb.
It sounds ominous, and it has implications that aren't really accurate, or at least not universal.
It literally just means a trans person's given name when that person has chosen a new one.
I'm not sure who coined the term exactly, but it stands as a counter to "real name," which is what transphobes tend to call the names we were given.
My real name is the one I chose.
I'm not sure who coined the term exactly, but it stands as a counter to "real name," which is what transphobes tend to call the names we were given.
My real name is the one I chose.
For most of us, the name we were given was used against us; our gender was forced into a box, and the name was part of the box, and trying to get out of the box was punished pretty harshly. Not just by families; by everyone.
The name is a symbol of who we weren't, sort of.
The name is a symbol of who we weren't, sort of.
Add to that the fact that the vast majority of us face some degree of family rejection when we come out and you have a recipe for just... pain. This one word was an expectation, and a trap, and a weapon. A whip.
Not all of us feel this way but for those that do, it's strong.
Not all of us feel this way but for those that do, it's strong.
Even for those of us who were accepted, or whose names weren't a source of pain, they still usually feel like they refer to a person who was never quite real, at a time before we felt we could show the world who we really are.
Our experiences vary. This one is quite common.
Our experiences vary. This one is quite common.
So. It's not a deadname because the person we were before is dead - very few of us feel that way - but because the *name* is. It's not a living symbol anymore. It doesn't refer to us. It's just a bunch of bad memories jammed into a few phonemes.
We distance ourselves.
We distance ourselves.
Some of us can easily share our given names. Some of us are too well-known to hide them. Some of us don't exactly hide them, but do ask people not to use them.
For most of us, the change isn't overnight - it takes time. So we have our real names, and then our deadnames crop up.
For most of us, the change isn't overnight - it takes time. So we have our real names, and then our deadnames crop up.
The majority of the people who want to know our deadnames want that because they think that's who we "really" are. And we know that. Deadnames are used against us, even by strangers. Transphobic people do it all the time, like if you find out my legal name I'll stop being trans.
They find out that using our deadnames publicly hurts us, and they like to hurt us, so they do it.
It's intensely malicious.
It's intensely malicious.
So, deadname etiquette:
-assume we don't want to share it (usually true)
-remember our real name is the one we tell you
-if you llearn one, forget it
-if someone does share, don't make a whole thing
-don't assume one person not caring means others shouldn't
That's it!
-assume we don't want to share it (usually true)
-remember our real name is the one we tell you
-if you llearn one, forget it
-if someone does share, don't make a whole thing
-don't assume one person not caring means others shouldn't
That's it!
There's a kind of fun bit of hanging out with enough trans people where you develop a complete inability to notice or remember a deadname. I saw someone's the other night and by the next morning couldn't remember it at all. It feels really good.
Personally? I didn't even know I had a deadname until I started to feel weird when I heard it. When some people who only knew me as Evan learned it and I felt gross.
I can't... say it, really, or type it. I can't say "my name used to be..." without freezing.
I'm not unusual.
I can't... say it, really, or type it. I can't say "my name used to be..." without freezing.
I'm not unusual.
I have the luxury of being out in every aspect of my life and almost everyone respecting that. Evan suits me more than my deadname ever did, and almost everyone has shifted over without too much fuss.
You can find my deadname if you try. Please don't.
You can find my deadname if you try. Please don't.
I hope this helps! Remember, I can't and don't speak for all of us - individuals vary a lot - but I can tell you how to be baseline polite and respectful, and this is one of the really easy ways.
When someone says "my name is" you believe them, and you use that name.
When someone says "my name is" you believe them, and you use that name.
