Read on Twitter
Alright let's do this, slow thread on non-coercive habit building.
https://mobile.twitter.com/cortexfutura/status/1342895873534124040
https://mobile.twitter.com/cortexfutura/status/1342895873534124040
1/ First, I want to presence this tweet. Non-coercive habit building looks a whole lot like coercive habit building, but things are frame differently! Keep that in mind as we move forward. https://mobile.twitter.com/mattgoldenberg/status/1342914246829617159
2/ Secondly, non-coercive habit building is something thats only solidified in the last 6 months for me (in contrast, non-coercive motivation has been steady for nearly 2 years now for me). I reserve the right to add to this thread and change my mind as I figure new things out.
3/ The biggest shift for me around non-coercive habit building that enabled everything else was focusing not on "habits" but on "desires".
4/ I don't focus on "making my bed" in the morning. Instead, I focus on how I went to feel when in my room. Then I simply hold on to that desire and allow myself to arrange my bed in a way that enables that feeling. (I first learned a variation of this trick from @pjeby)
5/ Another example - I don't focus on "Creating a todo list for tomorrow", instead I focus on how it will feel to have a wonderful, focused, exciting day tomorrow, and then allow myself to do the actions that will make that happen.
6/ The second big shift for me was developing (and applying to everything) the "desire partner paradigm". Coming from a coercive habit frame these are often framed as "accountability buddies," but desire partners work a bit differently.
7/ Accountability buddies are often focused on having to "account" for your actions. It's about someone else choosing to make you do what you said you would do.
8/ Desire partners work a bit differently. Instead of accounting for what I said I would do, my desire partners are helping me reconnect with what I want.
9/ Didn't end up doing my weekly goal? My weekly checkin desire partner asks if there was some part of me resisting that, and if there's a way I can create more of an unqualified desire.
10/ Followed through on my desire to strength train? Me and my desire partner celebrate being in touch with that desire.
11/ Me or my desire partner don't feel like doing cardio that day? We just hang out and cheer the other person on for following their desires.
12/ The third big thing that's helped me out is the "habit exploration paradigm". It's often referred to from a more coercive frame as "Tiny Habits," a term coined by @bjfogg
13/ "Tiny habits" is the idea that you should start with really small habits (like, doing one pushup) because this will make it easier to start, and then you can build up to bigger habits over time.
14/ I also start with very small habits in the "habit exploration paradigm" but it's not a foregone conclusion that I'll build up to bigger habits over time. Instead, I'm using this time to feel out and clarify my desires!
15/ These small habits allow me to explore my desires and ask myself questions like:
Is this something I really want?
Do I have any resistance to this?
Can I change my approach to this to create more unqualified desire?
Is this something I really want?
Do I have any resistance to this?
Can I change my approach to this to create more unqualified desire?
16/ It's an exploration, not a foregone conclusion. Many times, the final habit looks nothing like what I thought it would be when I first started the exploration. Sometimes, I decide not to do this habit at all, or to wait a few months before trying again.
17/ The fourth useful paradigm relates back to the idea of desires rather than habits - oftentimes, I'm focused on the idea of who I want to become rather than what I want to accomplish
18/ In his book Atomic Habits, @JamesClear talks about these identity based habits. One thing I've found really helpful is learning the mental motions that allow me to connect with the idea of becoming the person I want to be, which I adapted from Steve Andreas.
19/ When I'm doing this habits, not only am I connecting to the end result I want in the world, but also to an image of who I'd like to become (which of course, I make sure incorporates resistance and I have unqualified desire for)
20/ Then, as I'm doing the habit, I'm not just enjoying the habit itself - I'm also connecting to this as an instance of being the person I want to be. I'm doing a little celebration of myself as I do the habit.
21/ At the end, as part of this celebration, I imagine a database of all the times I've done this habit successfully, and I get to add this memory to the database! The bigger the database gets, the more solid I begin to fill in this new identity!
22/ For example, as I workout, I'm connecting with an image of an energetic, happy, strong version of myself, and embodying that image.
23/ At the end of the workout, I imagine a giant grid of all the times I've embodied this person, and I get to add this workout to the grid! It's fun!
