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As a queer Indigenous femme-coded scientist, it is personally difficult and professionally damaging to have people that have been publicly, unapologetically, repeatedly bigoted to me be hailed by my colleagues as forces for justice in the academy.
It is personally difficult bc as soon as a threshold number of members of my support/allyship constellation begin praising someone I know to be (at least to me, if not generally) a broken stair, I no longer know if I am safe.
That threshold moves with the severity of past harm.
That threshold moves with the severity of past harm.
It is personally difficult because I have experienced extremely traumatic things for even mild self advocacy. So bad I cannot talk about them publicly until I leave the academy of have tenure.
Sometimes at the hands of those publicly lauded for supposedly being their opposite.
Sometimes at the hands of those publicly lauded for supposedly being their opposite.
It is personally difficult because, to be honest with you (my group of 20k close friends and everyone else who sees this thread), it becomes fever-dream levels of confusing to figure out who has my back, who doesn't, and when (and from what direction) the next betrayal will come.
It is professionally damaging because producing good science while in the midst of a more-or-less-chronic trauma response...takes a long time.
And time is what you measure your progress against, officially (unofficially, there's a lot of other identity factors), as a scientist.
And time is what you measure your progress against, officially (unofficially, there's a lot of other identity factors), as a scientist.
It is professionally damaging bc even when I am approached respectfully by people who are (probably? currently? for now? ) safe to me, people who obtain consent to discuss issues of inclusion and bigotry, and are seeking my expertise...it takes away at least a week of energy.
It is professionally damaging because while QTBIPOC academic I know is *eager* to help our junior identitymates and identity-adjacent-mates, be more safe than we were...
(please don't stop coming to us, we love you so much)
it takes a toll. In grief. Rage. Time. Energy.
(please don't stop coming to us, we love you so much)
it takes a toll. In grief. Rage. Time. Energy.
*while ~every~ QTBIPOC academic I know...
But I think a lot of people don't realize that it is professionally damaging because every time I speak up, a door closes to me.
Not a blatantly bigoted door.
Not a "wouldn't have been happy there anyway" door.
A door painted in bright DEI colors and slogans.
Let me explain.
Not a blatantly bigoted door.
Not a "wouldn't have been happy there anyway" door.
A door painted in bright DEI colors and slogans.
Let me explain.
Those doors, and spaces, are guarded by white academics who have made DEI part of their brand.
They produce blog posts and papers and scholarly work that other white DEI-friendly academics cite and read and discuss with their lab groups.
They have the ears of funding agencies.
They produce blog posts and papers and scholarly work that other white DEI-friendly academics cite and read and discuss with their lab groups.
They have the ears of funding agencies.
They are trusted by their (white) colleagues, and they probably mentor people whose demographics are historically and continuingly excluded from the academy and other "elite professions".
They're probably trusted by these trainees (and/or the trainees say so in public)
They're probably trusted by these trainees (and/or the trainees say so in public)
And as such, they are trusted to identify promising talent among BIPOC early career researchers.
They have a LOT of power over which of us succeed, which of us are competitive for funding, which of us get passed along to their colleagues who (say) genuinely want to train us.
They have a LOT of power over which of us succeed, which of us are competitive for funding, which of us get passed along to their colleagues who (say) genuinely want to train us.
What if you believe that they care about this stuff and speak truth* to about their power, then what?
Well, a lot of them block you.
A lot more of them ice you out. Of online spaces, and the offline opportunities those beget.
*not perfect, but it can't be my fault every time.
Well, a lot of them block you.
A lot more of them ice you out. Of online spaces, and the offline opportunities those beget.
*not perfect, but it can't be my fault every time.
Some of them email your boss to tell you that you'll never work in their field if you don't fix your attitude.
Some of them say bad things about you to their (eg) BIPOC trainees (that's not great for anyone).
But what happens...if they're on the search committee for a position?
Some of them say bad things about you to their (eg) BIPOC trainees (that's not great for anyone).
But what happens...if they're on the search committee for a position?
What happens when there are positions in their department, or at their institution that include DEI in STEM in the description? Positions for which your CV was made.
Or fellowship opportunities?
Or someone advertises for a postdoc in their department?
Or fellowship opportunities?
Or someone advertises for a postdoc in their department?
If you are a white academic, making DEI part of your brand only gains you power with your white colleagues: you become trusted to determine who is "good" DEI and who isn't.
But if you once get in the bad books of these people, your already slim chances are decimated, repeatedly.
But if you once get in the bad books of these people, your already slim chances are decimated, repeatedly.
So, I'd like you to consider, what it means to laud white people as inherent forces for justice.
Because from where I sit, all this is doing is setting up another gatekeeper who can divvy up the booty among people they know will remain loyal or at least comfortable.
Because from where I sit, all this is doing is setting up another gatekeeper who can divvy up the booty among people they know will remain loyal or at least comfortable.
There's a word for that. It's like when kings give out posts and stuff to their loyal supporters in exchange for ongoing loyalty and support. I can't remember it right now, but other people will reply with the word. (not nepotism, something else.)
But in summary, it's not just personally devastating to watch people who have been specifically, publicly bigoted to me in person and on here be hailed as the great saviors for justice in the academic discipline of their choice.
It's professionally damaging.
It's professionally damaging.
And unless we really do think that keeping self-identified DEI standard-bearers comfortable should be a prerequisite for being included in the academic spaces over which those people have power, it's hypocritical. Inconsistent.
Evidence of dishonest thinking.
Evidence of dishonest thinking.
I won't tell you that everyone who dislikes me has no good reason for it. But I do think that white senior colleagues of mine who dislike me and have in the past and/or currently continue to use that to keep me out of spaces?
Should stop being lionized.
Should stop being lionized.
As an aside to my fellow QTBIPOC, I know that we all have different constellations of support.
I believe @DNLee5 said there's a difference between having someone in your constellation as help/insulation, and having them be your BFF.
I don't hold your supporters against you.
I believe @DNLee5 said there's a difference between having someone in your constellation as help/insulation, and having them be your BFF.
I don't hold your supporters against you.
I know you can't always stop them from being awful to others. I know. Your hands are tied.
My best hope for all of us (that is, QTBIPOC) is that we are mistaken as few times as possible in whether *we* are people's insulation, CV pad, or ride or die.
My best hope for all of us (that is, QTBIPOC) is that we are mistaken as few times as possible in whether *we* are people's insulation, CV pad, or ride or die.
And for my white women colleagues, I hope you stop trusting yourselves and each other to individually, ethically hold power in defining, supporting, or practicing DEI.
There are whisper networks about this.
That's not the worst thing about it, but I hope it brings it home.
There are whisper networks about this.
That's not the worst thing about it, but I hope it brings it home.
I don't have a good conclusion to this thread.
Send my friends money, they're struggling.
http://paypal.me/wapshkankwet
http://paypal.me/iamlakotak
Send my friends money, they're struggling.
http://paypal.me/wapshkankwet
http://paypal.me/iamlakotak
