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SEXUAL ADDICTION: THE GOD FORBIDDEN DISCOURSE
Nigeria has a population of over 200 million people but we find it difficult talking about sex, and this I find interesting because it only takes sex to reproduce. If we have a nack for knacks, why can’t we discuss the cracks?
Nigeria has a population of over 200 million people but we find it difficult talking about sex, and this I find interesting because it only takes sex to reproduce. If we have a nack for knacks, why can’t we discuss the cracks?
There is a whole gaggle of people that weigh in on how you look, what you wear, who you have sex with, how many sex partners you have but there is less attention to addressing the biological, economic, emotional and life consequences of sex.
Nigerians are religious - performatively, and we think ourselves modest but the jury is still out on that verdict. We cannot turn a blind eye to the natural turn of event in human existence.
Kids grow to become teenagers and they would have sex because it is what teenagers do. Our sex education in this part of the world hovers between abstinence and denial. We must be intentional about discussing sex.
The use of euphemism to describe sex and genitals has done more harm than good. It is human to have sex and genitals are human organs. They are not forbidden fruits. The creator would not have left them hanging south if we are to be ashamed of it.
Nigerian parents shy away from the discourse, leaving the burden of sex education on the school which is bereft with societally influenced teachers who have been failed by the system and don’t know any better either. Heck! they don't even know what to teach their own kids.
The religious houses are filled with hypocritic minister who paint sex as an unclean act that one would think they are just mysophobes who don’t want to stain their whites. The last thing you want is for the man of the cloth to condemn your child to hell for having sex anyway.
But sex is not unclean. It is beautiful and should be discussed freely in academic and social forum. Teenagers approaching maturity ought to be abreast with the nature of sex, understanding their body, understanding their individual sexual needs, how to enjoy sex, protection...
... choosing the right partner, consent, preventative strategies, avoiding high risks encounters among others.
The lack of enthusiasm for sex education exposes teenagers to adulterated education which shapes their world view of sex.
The lack of enthusiasm for sex education exposes teenagers to adulterated education which shapes their world view of sex.
We have adults who cannot voice out their sexual needs during sex because they think it is impious. We have adults who shut their ears when sex is being discussed because they think it corrupts. It is not sex talks that spurs pervasion, it is wrong education.
When sex is not properly taught by those who ought to do it, teenagers are forced to discover for themselves through exploration or get help from alternative means – porn, media, friends and the problem with the alternative is that they are only focused on selling sex.
The end result is adults making mistakes that ruin their lives or enduring unsatisfactory sex because, to borrow the words of Chimamanda Adichie, have learnt to turn pretence into an art form.
This brings me to the crux of the discourse.
This brings me to the crux of the discourse.
If we cannot discourse sex basically, how do we discuss the addiction? God forbid your parents, teachers or older relations know you already have sex. How much worse for them to know you are an addict. That day, you would realize the thief is never as ashamed as the father.
Our elders like to think their child is a virgin but in reality, many have more sexual experiences than their parents because this is the easiest time in human existence to get laid. In a society like ours, to admit to being an addict is to risk being labelled.....
..."possessed by the devil" and swallowing a bottle of “anointing” oil to flush out the spirit of pervasion. The fact is, sexual addiction like all addiction, arises when a person engages in a behavior, for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive....
... to repeat the activity, despite detrimental consequences. It is not a spiritual problem. They need therapy.
We avoid this issue because we think of ourselves as “Godfearing.” Ask the average Nigerian lady what she wants in a man and top of her list is “a God fearing man.”
We avoid this issue because we think of ourselves as “Godfearing.” Ask the average Nigerian lady what she wants in a man and top of her list is “a God fearing man.”
The repetitiveness of the answer in comparison with our extant reality has made me question the meaning of “Godfearing” because I know for certain that we do not fear God except literally.
A society that has the fear of God is one where, according to Abimbola Adelakun of Punchng, "people have a sense of duty to the commons. They nurture an understanding of mutual responsibility to preserve human and natural resources."
We have zero value for life. We cheat one another. We justify evil in the name of religion. We oppress the poor and hoard food from the needy in a pandemic. We have no foundational ethics that pillars the country and thus, nothing drives us towards a better nation for our kids.
You can't be guilty of all these and fear being unclean from mutually enjoyable sex. Sexual addiction is real and we must take the first step of acknowledging that sex is biological and it is human and normal to both have and to talk about sex.
One of the dominant causes of hypersexuality is rape and this is problematic because the issue of rape has not been properly addressed. Most people only know about the withdrawal effect of rape in which the victim withdraws from sex because sexual touches triggers their trauma.
On the other hand, there is hypersexuality in which the victim becomes obsessed with sex to the point that they have incontrollable urges which affects their life style and relationship because they can’t function properly without sex.
As hard as it is to hear, sometimes, a cheating partner isn’t cheating out of disrespect neither is your ever horny partner meaning to hurt you. They do what they do because they are helpless and they desperately need that sex to function. They are victims of abuse.
It is detrimental to their personal life but when we know the root cause of a problem we can address it and that is why we can't keep running away from the discussion.
Failure to have a proper discussion on sex has led to many people going left with their sex life.
Failure to have a proper discussion on sex has led to many people going left with their sex life.
Guys impregnating ladies and taking off because epiphany hit them late. Ladies having multiple sexual partners and hoping to pin the pregnancy on the most successful or one whose feelings she can manipulate, men and women who do not understand consent.
Adults who have no regard for bodily autonomy, adults who are afraid of enjoying sex because they fear the stigma of sexual expertise, ladies who market and sell sex or expect to be paid for sex because they think sex is to be monetized not enjoyed.
This was an issue recently as those who sell sex refuse to be called prostitute, but the only reason anyone expecting to be paid for sex to refuse to be labelled a prostitute is because she doesn’t respect prostitute and is ashamed to be guilty of the very thing she disrespects.
You can’t run away from the prostitute label if a man’s penis is the parchment on which you ink your financial legend. This is why we need to have these discussions.
Actions have consequences and people need to know to make the right decision and accept the ensuing consequences.
Actions have consequences and people need to know to make the right decision and accept the ensuing consequences.
Sometimes, prostitution is a product of hypersexuality – why have random sex destroying you when you can get paid to self destruct?
It is a blockchain of crises all because as a society, we failed to educate the young ones.
It is a blockchain of crises all because as a society, we failed to educate the young ones.
Please open your mind to talk about sex. Sex is beautiful and you are not undeserving of orgasm. Please open up to your partner about your sexual needs and struggles. Teach teenagers the truth about sex, their bodies and the consequences of their actions.
“Don’t let a boy touch you” is not sex education and avoid the use of euphemism – sex, penis and vagina are just words. Don not make them feel embarrassed about their questions. I advocate teaching protection rather than abstinence because you can’t stop teenagers from having sex
If you must teach abstinence, I recommend Okechukwu Ofili’s advice – give them condoms when you are done talking. Remember, sexual addiction is like any other addiction. The victim needs help not judgement. Get them the help they need.
Finally, do not tell kids they would go to hell for having sex. If hell is real, you already have a stat padding statistics that takes you to hell - without sex. Tell them the real consequences of their decisions.
Peace, Love and Spaghetti
Peace, Love and Spaghetti
