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Thinking back to myself in the kitchens at 22, in light of what I know about myself now. I was a feisty young'un who cooked from the heart. Which meant my food was part of me, I took the whole thing personally, to the gut.
(cont'd 2/n) Which meant I brought to bear all my tools when I got defensive or hurt. And I got hurt. A friend at a ~30 yr anniversary asked why I worked in that toughest of all kitchens (India Joze in the 90s), as such a sensitive person.
But hurt people hurt people.
But hurt people hurt people.
3/n In the lesson us boys get taught in the patriarchy, domination is key, & there are two ways to dominate: with the body or with the mind. I figured out about age six I must be of-the-mind type, my body didn't go the other way as well.
4/n Add these together, & you see that the nice, sensitive man can have the tools of misogyny & patriarchy at the tip of the tongue, especially when upset & hurt.
This is the context of how I was fired the 1st time at India Joze for how I & another chef treated a woman chef.
This is the context of how I was fired the 1st time at India Joze for how I & another chef treated a woman chef.
5/n I don't recall the specifics, & I know at the time I felt perfectly justified in my part. I didn't so easily perceive harassment as such when being the giver of it. (You can guess I was bullied as a kid but other hurt people.) Now? I'm sure they were right. How I see it is:
6/n I turned to the tools of misogyny I had been taught, & without awareness of that. I think most of my shit has been microaggressions, which may be hard to take from "such a nice person"—did he really just act that way? Cockily, I thought being raised by ...
7/n a feminist single mom made me immune or at least better.
I'm friends again with the woman I harassed, & perhaps someday she'll want to share with me how it was for her. I don't think it was more than any woman experiences, she just reported it and the manager did something.
I'm friends again with the woman I harassed, & perhaps someday she'll want to share with me how it was for her. I don't think it was more than any woman experiences, she just reported it and the manager did something.
8/n I also think there was a lot more to the story, as there always is, & my mind oft turns to seeing my ill-part in things. A value now for me is seeing how ways of treating others—especially when I'm under duress—involves turning to these same tools.
9/n So that might mean I talk over other people or don't leave oxygen in the room for others, & when that means women for example, I'm drawing from the misogyny toolset by reflex. As aware as I might be today, those reflexes are there.
10/n I didn't learn as a wee boy to respond with fists—although Big Scary Male Anger is a tool I have & used—it's more punching with words I learned. To be the brains the wins the day.
Just hard to know how much I have & do hurt others, knowing how much I've received too. Ow.
Just hard to know how much I have & do hurt others, knowing how much I've received too. Ow.
11/11 Anyway, just some shit I'm thinking over as I get ready for meditation. Perhaps forgiveness practice today?
