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10 lessons on how to be a big boy during the xmas holiday. Travelling back to the East last Christmas was an exciting lesson on how to be a big boy. I feel compelled to share
1. Ensure that you travel home with at least three black SUVs. If you can, throw in a hilux with siren. Interesting tip is that you can actually borrow the cars from car dealers for a small fee. Better still, engage family and friends who have cars packed in the East
As long as you have the cars polished and washed, nobody will be concerned about ownership
2. You need to 'rent' police officers. I understand for a fee, you can actually have police escorts. The threshold for qualifying is all up in the air. I heard disturbing stories of people making police uniforms and giving to 'macho' men to pose as police officers.
Still trying to confirm that bit but what is clear is that you have to invest in ensuring the uniform is crisp and clean. For effect throw in riot gears to make the police officers look 'professional'. They will survive the hot weather with the unnecessary gears somehow
3. Show no respect for traffic rules. Nobody is going to appreciate how important you want to be when they see you obeying traffic rules. So do 'one way', refuse to stop at traffic light and ensure that you cause as much noise pollution as possible. Where extremely unnecessary
stop to greet your friends in the middle of the road. Security officers will always hail your madness and other road users will marvel at your boldness. Big boy things
5. Carry very fresh new Naira notes. It doesnt matter the denomination. As long as it is new and crisp, it serves the purpose. Reserve a load for police checkpoints when you are feeling generous. They will never stop you regardless. The rest is for throwing at people minding
business, somehow you will get their attention and 'gratitude'. They will reserve the insults for when you leave.
6. Ensure you turn up late for every event. You have to come in with fanfare. Driving into the arena to interrupt the events, police officers manning the doors why your car is moving and you coming out with over starched agbada for effect. If you can, always wear white
7. Always leave early. People need to know you are very busy and have a million things to take care of. When leaving, remember to share those fresh notes as you exit. Nothing helps a wedding like when folks are fighting over floating Naira notes
8. You have to sound as arrogant as possible when you are with your peers but when you turn up for village meetings and events, be the 'humble' guy that gives up his chair or hurries to help 'mama' to climb stairs. We love rich humble people
9. You have to get an ogene group to hail you whenever you turn up. Better still, help them do a uniform that has your name on it. T shirts can go as low as 1k for one. It doesn't matter that the clothes wont survive the harmattan, you will be gone before the know what hit them
10. Finally, your little charade wont last long so best to spend a few days and run back before the car dealers or police officer get agitated. But you would have written your name in gold and the latest successful big boy. It comes with a lot of perks but story for another day
