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Six years ago I was deployed to a special operations advisory group in Afghanistan, advising an Afghan special forces aviation unit intelligence personnel. I had been awake for about 36 hours before I was able to go to bed. I was devastated. 1/
On the evening of January 29, 2015, an Afghan Air Force soldier opened fire and killed three of our contractors, and injuring a fourth before he was taken out. It was an insider attack, and we were caught completely unawares. 2/
Even our Afghan counterparts hadn't known & felt ashamed that it happened to their Americans whom they had protected. As 1/2 officers who provided security & force protection information for our unit, I felt sad, guilty, & responsible for not being able to prevent their deaths 3/
Others went through more traumatic events associated with it too. We were not on an American base. We were not on an international/coalition base. We had been embedded with our Afghan counterparts. So, when the event was over and we needed support - none was there. 4/
Some of my colleagues had to clean the hangar and plane of the blood. Another two had to prepare the bodies for transportation. Others coordinated the flight to ship them home to their families 5/
There was a new tension in the air. Our mantra of security through cooperation was adjusted, and we geared up more. We still worked hand-in-hand, but you can tell that people were more anxious and scared at times. 6/
The weight of our body armor was a constant reminder of what had happened, and what unknowns were out there. 7/
I carried the guilt of the deaths of Walter Fishe, Jason Landphair, & Mathew Fineran for years. I started having imposter syndrome. I kept being plagued by thoughts that if I had only worked harder, studied more, read more...perhaps I would have been able to stop what happened 8/
I brought that new level of determination and stress into my work. Although my work was still great, the stress and imposter syndrome permeated many aspects of my life and health. 9/
Like many others who experience stress and traumatic stress, distance and time from the event numbed the pain and desensitized me a bit. I thought I was "working my way through it" and didn't need help. But, I was wrong. Instead, I ignored it. 10/
I ignored every time I began to get anxious or cry when I watched a shooting scene in a war film, when I thought of the event, or when something triggered those same feelings of inadequacy in me. 11/
Last year, compounded stress from my work and personal life became too much. I sought out help. Over the span of 7months I worked w/ a professional to explore, understand, and accept so much about me. In doing so, I have become stronger and more comfortable w/ myself & my past12/
I learned to accept the things I couldn't change, & that some things may just have been outside of my control. Let alone when they want to pry into your childhood. But, without that level of deliberate self-care & -work, I would not have even be able to post about this. 13/
In hindsight, I wish I had gone for help sooner. Although successful, I truly believe that I was operating at less than my full potential because a large part of me was still working on, coping, or even protecting myself from those events and spiraling thoughts. 14/
Talking to a mental health professional was the best thing I could have done. I now feel that I am stronger and more present, physically and mentally, for myself, my family, and my folks at work. 15/
The fact is, after nearly four decades on earth, of which almost two were in the Air Force at the peak of some wild times... almost anyone and everyone probably would have something to talk and work through with a counselor or therapist. 16/
If I could change policy w/in the Air Force - I'd make it mandatory for commanders and senior leaders to be assigned a counselor and have periodic sessions. The mantle of senior leadership is heavy, and not only would this help the individuals themselves, 17/
but it would help them be better leaders. Let alone, if all senior leaders had to do so - we could put our money where our mouths are and CRUSH the stigma surrounding mental health. 18/
Don't be afraid to get support when you need it. Life's too short. 19/end.
