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Often people ask me "how do you deal with jealousy in polyamory?"
When I get jealous, I meditate on the feeling. What am I afraid of? It's usually stuff like "I'm afraid he'll like her better than me" or "I'm afraid he'll leave me for her". 1/7
When I get jealous, I meditate on the feeling. What am I afraid of? It's usually stuff like "I'm afraid he'll like her better than me" or "I'm afraid he'll leave me for her". 1/7
Method 1, I check - is he leaving me for her? Not yet? What if he will in the future? Then I wait. Over time, if he keeps not leaving me or liking me less, then I get less afraid, because the fear is less plausible. My body gets tired of freaking out when nothing happens. 2/7
Method 2: plow into the fear. Yeah, maybe he will leave me. Maybe he'll like her more than me. Should I stop him? Should I actively work to prevent him having a relationship with someone he's more compatible with? That feels gross. If he wants to leave, then he should leave. 3/7
Trying to restrict his actions because I'm *afraid of him leaving me* feels actually really bad and cruel when I look directly at it. I actually don't want that! I don't want to do that to him. So my jealousy feels deeply painful, but also bearable, because it's meaningful. 4/7
It can be heart wrenching, because it means I have to regularly come into close contact with the pain of potential loss. But it's also immensely rewarding, because the freedom feels loving, and it's super apparent that the relationship is a choice made out of real freedom. 5/7
This is basically how it works for friendships. Sometimes, romantic relationships have more practical things built onto them, like children or shared finances. What about that - you can't just "let people leave" if you have children at stake! Isn't jealousy good, then? 6/7
Almost but not quite. If you have a good friend with whom you build a company, would you argue jealousy is good? Probably not, that seems like a weird frame. You'd definitely need commitment, but the commitment is *for the company*, not for the friendship. 7/7
P.S. I've dated as a poly person for a decade, and only once have I had a poly partner leave me for another partner, which really sucked but in hindsight was a good thing. Nearly all my other breakups were due to other, non-poly issues.
